Saturday, December 26, 2009

La Primera Parte

It was my favorite holiday of the year, the fourth of july, 2007. It was family tradition to light off fireworks in a drastic measure in our front yard with half the neighborhood block, and with half the neighborhood block chipping in for fireworks, it was quite the show, and I'd grown to love it. And as I got older, it became more fun with my growing participation. But the last year had been a flop, and I feared the same for this year. All the neighborhood's children had grown old and moved out except for myself and two or three others, and most of them went off and did their own firework fun somewhere else, and with the parents growing older, they had lost the fun in it or went off to join their children elsewhere. So my parents and I along with my older sister and her husband had taken to watching different firework displays, and we found the good ones. Our favorite to this day is the July 3rd Emerald Downs fireworks, the show lasts twenty minutes, and the grand finale a good five of that with non stop explosions. We even found the perfect place to view the show for free, and there is quite a crowd there now every year after our spreading the word about the Auburn Airfield. I never thought it would be better. One of my friend's families, the Kieswether's told me I should come with them inside the little stadium, but that meant paying and I needed to spend sometime with my family since the plan was to spend most of the day at their house the next day on the actual fourth. Besides, it didn't get much better than where I was with who I was with. Little did I know the company they had with them, or maybe I would've joined without a second thought....

The next day was all the normal, my sister and her husband came over early to play games and relax with us since they only lived fifteen minutes away. After spending most of the morning with them I received a phone call from my best friend Alisa Kieswether telling me I could come over now. She also told me that Grace's(her older brother Matthew's girlfriend) sister Emily was there and that she was excited to introduce us. So I said goodbye to the family and the brother-in-law harassed me as usual and I jumped into my father's old Nissan and stole off to the Kieswether's. I got there in the late morning early afternoon and was surprised to see everyone so active on account of the family, especially Alisa and Breanna(Alisa's younger sister), being night people and in no way morning people. But I came in and was surprised to see Breanna acting weird, and I assumed it was because of Grace's sister, who I instantly knew she was thinking of trying to get me involved with, which I didn't appreciate, but it made me nervous meeting her because maybe there would be something there. After turning into the kitchen Grace, Matthew, and Emily came climbing in through the sliding glass door into the kitchen all smiling. I caught Matthew's eye and we hugged, as well as with Grace, and then Alisa introduced me to Emily. I was thrilled, my first thought was that she looked very pretty and mature, and Christian, and like I should have no serious relationship with her outside of friendship, because she looked quite a few years older than me, and I reminded myself that I wasn't looking either, not that she'd look four or five years down in age anyway. The Lord was preparing me for the service and I was sure He wasn't going to throw such a giant wrench into my plans as a future wife so early. So we shook hands and everyone started talking and playing as usual. I finally caught up to Ben, Alisa's boyfriend, and we started playing with the two younger Kieswether boys as usual. We were playing a board game on the floor when Matthew came in with Grace, along with Emily and the other two girls Alisa and Breanna, and our game went to shambles. Eventually somehow between Ben and the help of the two boys I ended up getting completely tied up in the strings from a yard toy, and what always follows me being tied up or immobilized somehow was some far too intense tickling. I'm regrettably very prone to it, and extremely weak in the area and it is often utilized to my frustration. I can perfectly recall getting a glimpse of Emily's face and seeing complete distress on her face, and I soon heard her saying for the boys to stop on account of my lack of breathing, but that hope of escape was quickly shut out by Alisa who said, "oh don't worry, this happens all the time, he's fine." But I was glad to be a part of Emily's attention, I was starting to like her against my earlier thoughts. Throughout the rest of the day we played capture the flag with squirt guns, I was happy to be on the same team as Emily and often found myself shooting her instead of the other team. It was then that I started getting glances from Breanna, and I could tell what she was thinking, and I realized that I was definitely flirting, maybe not to the average eye, but the two Kieswether girls knew me better than anyone else, and if they were catching it, Emily might too, so I told myself to calm down...

After cooling down and changing clothes from getting soaked we were doing miniscule things that I can't remember, but eventually came to watching some type of videos on the computer on the internet, and I knew where to get some even better and kicked Breanna out of the chair and sat down, eventually everyone was gathered watching and instructing me what to watch next and Emily sat down on the arm of the computer chair, and after a little while was leaning up against me. And I was rather enjoying it, any thoughts I'd had even minutes before of not flirting or getting closer to her lept from my mind. Soon after we decided to watch a movie, and one I was excited to see again, the Prestige. All the seats were taken (as usual), and I was excited to sprawl on the floor (as usual) when I saw that Emily was on the floor also. I might have taken advantage of it. Needless to say she eventually ended up sitting elsewhere, and I was sad, thinking that perhaps I was wrong to think she liked me also. After the movie everyone went off to bed, and I was lucky enough to catch a hug from Emily before I left, and it was a very good one, she hugged me around the neck, and no one I know does that, and I loved it. After I left on my way home I remember thinking of how to slyly see her the next day, before she left without Alisa and Breanna thinking too much of it. But I decided I needed to let her go, I needed to focus on other things....

A few days later Alisa and myself were running a few errands at Fred Meyer for her family, and while we were pulling in she got that sly aspect of her voice in tune and I could tell Emily was about to somehow enter the conversation. I tried my best to convey no interest, but she saw right through it, and I couldn't help but smile, and admit, maybe I did like her, but it didn't matter, I would not see her again for a long time and we would both be changed by then, not to mention that she wouldn't take interest in me anyhow, she was what 23? And I 18.... And then she laughed, so hard, and disclosed to me that Emily was in fact three years younger than I, not even 16! I was shocked, maybe there could be a future there....

Friday, November 20, 2009

What I long for

Would I entrust my most precious thing in the world to my God? Do I? Do I entrust myself to that same God? Do I trust and rest in His wisdom? In His creative beauty and complete faithfulness? How do I trust God with the care of my sweetheart, what am I doing? How do I trust Him in my life? Am I listening? What next? Always what next? I've been trying to focus on three things outside of these questions lately: prayer, memorizing scripture, and listening to God and following His pull on my spirit through His own Holy Spirit in me. I really want to just talk through and think about how I've been doing with all these questions above and what l have been told by God to focus on, so I hope you stop too, and think, and listen.

It's weird to think about whether or not I would entrust something to my Lord or not, because I have always known that God has power over everything, and I have always assumed that I and everything else were under His direct path or plan, which I still believe. But now I've come to discover that there is influence in what we decide, yes He knows what we will choose but WE still are the ones who choose it, and I believe we have some considerable say in the authorities and who we choose to serve everyday. So would I trust the most precious thing in this world to Him? Completely choose His path in that, and let Him completely have say in everything, knowing and trusting that everything will be taken care of? I know I do even know, but it scares me. It's not the unknown that scares me about it alone, it's the hardship, awkwardness, trials that follow, both in trusting something precious to Him and myself. This now falls into listening to the gentle nudges God endlessly calls upon me. And a lot of the time I am ashamed to say I have not listened and obeyed to what He has asked me to do. And the reason is fear, but in what? Every single time I've ever done something under His calling the result has been magnificent and infinitely rewarding to not just me, but more importantly someone else who needed it too. So why step back? Why even hesitate? I think I've found my answer, it is my pride. But I do not know how to over come it other than by the simple means of time in and time out doing the one thing I don't want to do. Now my only problem is this, beating it when the time comes, and realizing this opportunity and taking it for my Lord. So if you ever are bored, or feeling the fear and draw like I do, please text, call, or leave a message either in encouragement or distress; because I think I need you. Your testimony and your need are what will overcome my pride, for by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony they will overcome :) I just need to be reminded of things, and remember when the time comes, that the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering. So do I trust Him, yes, and I'm working on it little by little, and I will rise, under Him, because I am listening now.

As for what's next and memorizing and prayer the three are all entangled with what I just spoke. Every time I've come to the Lord with that question, He hounds me about memorizing scripture and praying every chance I get. I hear His voice in my thoughts and I know it to be true. And He has given me such wonderful tools for all of them. My love constantly reminds me to pray, and I'm so grateful, my mentor is most serious about always finding time to simply STOP and listen to God and hear what He has to say, and I have in my pocket right now a topographical memory card that holds multiple pre-made scripture cards in a protective sleeve.

My God has made me ready, now I just have to prepare for what I know He'll lead me to become

Today will be a great day,
In Christ,

Sunday, November 15, 2009

So far so blah......

Well, so far so blah....

I've lost a lot of the concentration I had as of last week. But definitely not all of it. This last week has been rough on me, and very rewarding as well, as i sit here, and think about it. As of last week after my weekend passed I ran into the usual hectic Monday hustle and bustle at work and completely lost all focus in the demands of the sick, and more frustrating than that the demands of other people trying to help the sick. Most of which were frustrated at the sick, who were frustrated for having to wait, who were then in turn frustrated at the staff being annoyed with them. It's a vicious cycle, that I, being at the front desk trying to control everything, get thrown into instantly. And it's never the patients that get to me, although I have run into some very angry barely sick higher ups that think their rank in the military permits them higher priority than the really sick that really cranked a nerve. But it is usually one of two individuals among my coworkers that treats patients without respect because they don't understand what is wrong with them. So I lost all train of thought Monday morning. I was really hoping to have time before we started to go around the building and simply pray for everyone that would pass through it, and that they be blessed, but I planned on that almost everyday this whole last week and never got to it. Also my love started praying for those she gives coffee to, and I was planning on praying for everyone that entered our doors since I see everyone go in and out, but that did not work out either. And then later that night I went to a bible study with a few military friends that I don't appreciate too much. The speaker and I have some different opinions and honestly I think he's the slowest speaking man I've ever heard. And after that and the remainder of the week my love and I have been really struggling with being so far away; it's really hit hard this week, first for her, and now for me. And with us both being busy between work, family for her, and bible study guys for me we hadn't been talking as much as usual lately. This week has been rough, but in it I've still held on to the truth of God's promises in my life, and the thankfulness I need to show to Him as often as I can through listening to Him like a child, and obeying Him like a centurion. I am so incredibly thankful for the group of men He has placed in my life here, and my endlessly supportive family, and most of all my girl; I would not be where I am if not for her, and I am never letting go.

Well, that was majoritively all over the place, but that's how my week felt. This week end was great fun, climbing mountains and watching ridiculous movies and talking lots on the phone. And I am excited for another week of it, but hopefully more focused on the Lord at work especially. No noticeable steps of faith in His direction as of yet since last week, but I honestly wouldn't be able to tell you if I can remember any opportunities to, I will try harder. And lastly I've started to really get back on the effort of memorizing scripture, and I've been able to lift a lot of things up to my God through them. I would definitely recommend it :) Well, off to my love. I pray you have a fantastic and successful week, I know you will.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tares Among Wheat

Matthew 12:36,37- "But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."

I like a few others that have recently started blogging have debated a lot about starting this. But I saw wisdom in it. In that I choose to not think on things, and to be still. Even now there is music playing, well now there isn't. But I've decided that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Most of all in who I am, and my complete lack of full devotion to my Shepherd.

For those of you whoever read this. Though I have in my mind that no one really will, for I am not telling anyone of it. I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. If you are not, I ask that you read on, you never know what you might get. And if you are, I hope that anything I say might help you, and that you give me the opportunity to learn from you from any feedback you might have.

Lately I have been very much so struggling with myself. I can feel that God shaped hole inside me, and I know that the Lord is in my life, but not enough. I have a burning desire for more. But I also know that what comes with it is what is in Romans 12:1- Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And frankly that scares me a little. I'm happy in my little bubble of sanctuary that I persist in hiding in from God. If I am to truly have Him enter my life and truly fill me, then I must cross the line in the sand, where I've thrown up my boundaries and insecurities, where my own strength fails to draw me past; and start picking up my cross daily and following Him. This is my goal. I will write once or twice a week here, and each time I must have conquered a fear, and given myself a little more completely to the will of my Father. I will tell you of my adventures in returning. Please read Matthew 13:12, my web address, and think about it, I will also. I hope to rise,