Monday, February 1, 2010
I don't know why I'm writing, except to maybe find some light in the words for myself. I've started to feel, and in such roller coaster ways. I don't know what or how to think, and yet I cannot stop thinking for long enough to hear the whisper I seek. So I simply just keep moving forward, and faster and faster down the hill I am going down, even now I have to seek to silence the noise that is constantly pressing in. This last month I have grown more and more accustomed to the thought that I am alone, and without any true close friends near me, just last night I was reminded of it in the comfort of another over the very same thing. And that is when I realized, and began thinking, and listening, to the fact that, I've become a luke warm Christian, a push over follower of Christ, coward. I go to work and act no different then those around me, complaining about this, laughing about that, and wishing to simply be done while criticizing the very people I am there to serve for causing us more business. I am depressed there, and it has leaked into the rest of my life in places, first the barracks where I live, alone, and under constant control. There are so many things to scrutinize in the Navy that I am afraid I might get lost in them and loose my life and what I love.
I can't stop thinking about how passionately I don't want to be a luke warm Christian, who Christ throws away for those either hot or cold. What do I want though?! Is it a closer relationship with Him? A friend? For me to disappear and He to enter in? All these things have been leading me in to thinking about what my dreams are... why am I here? What have I been doing for the last year in the middle of the desert surrounded by Marines in desperate need? I have no fruit, not outwardly. Sure I help out the fellow Christian man or women, and comfort those I love and serve them how I can. But what do I do to set myself apart? Even sinners love those who love them back, and even the demons know what God can do. But I want to know what God will do. I need His promises to keep me strong, and I need His guidance to lead me toward righteousness. This is a plea, to start again. To give up who I am, and why do I care, me fails so often, why not try You, and just see what happens and where You take me. I will trust You. But in that I need to listen, so challenge me, and make me a seeker of Christ. I have my ups and downs, but I have my foundation to fall unto; and He alone will give me the rest I need to do His will. And rise.