Monday, February 1, 2010

Why Rise?

I don't know why I'm writing, except to maybe find some light in the words for myself. I've started to feel, and in such roller coaster ways. I don't know what or how to think, and yet I cannot stop thinking for long enough to hear the whisper I seek. So I simply just keep moving forward, and faster and faster down the hill I am going down, even now I have to seek to silence the noise that is constantly pressing in. This last month I have grown more and more accustomed to the thought that I am alone, and without any true close friends near me, just last night I was reminded of it in the comfort of another over the very same thing. And that is when I realized, and began thinking, and listening, to the fact that, I've become a luke warm Christian, a push over follower of Christ, coward. I go to work and act no different then those around me, complaining about this, laughing about that, and wishing to simply be done while criticizing the very people I am there to serve for causing us more business. I am depressed there, and it has leaked into the rest of my life in places, first the barracks where I live, alone, and under constant control. There are so many things to scrutinize in the Navy that I am afraid I might get lost in them and loose my life and what I love.

I can't stop thinking about how passionately I don't want to be a luke warm Christian, who Christ throws away for those either hot or cold. What do I want though?! Is it a closer relationship with Him? A friend? For me to disappear and He to enter in? All these things have been leading me in to thinking about what my dreams are... why am I here? What have I been doing for the last year in the middle of the desert surrounded by Marines in desperate need? I have no fruit, not outwardly. Sure I help out the fellow Christian man or women, and comfort those I love and serve them how I can. But what do I do to set myself apart? Even sinners love those who love them back, and even the demons know what God can do. But I want to know what God will do. I need His promises to keep me strong, and I need His guidance to lead me toward righteousness. This is a plea, to start again. To give up who I am, and why do I care, me fails so often, why not try You, and just see what happens and where You take me. I will trust You. But in that I need to listen, so challenge me, and make me a seeker of Christ. I have my ups and downs, but I have my foundation to fall unto; and He alone will give me the rest I need to do His will. And rise.


  1. How you touch my heart! You are a lover of our Lord with such depth that you don't see the extent to which you do serve Him, the ways in which you do reflect Him.

    May your heart always be turned toward Him, your ear always open to His whisper; may you ever by dissatisfied with this world and your self that you may find all that satisfies in Him. And may your striving be ever and always upward.

  2. I am proud of you, 'son'. You make my heart so pleased! Love you!